*1. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain
4. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country
6. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
7. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
8. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
10. I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
Quotes 4 - 10 all Stephen Wright
11. Bad is never good until worse happens. -
Danish Proverb
12. The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. -
Latin Proverb
13. Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence. -
Spanish Proverb
14. Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. -
Polish Proverb
15. He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. -
Chinese Proverb
16. Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade? -
Benjamin Franklin
17. If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer.
-- Anonymous
18. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
-- George Burns
19. Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
--Sir Winston Churchill
20. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
--John Kenneth Galbraith
21. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
--Fletcher Knebel
23. Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
--Groucho Marx
24. Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
-- H.L. Mencken
25. A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
--J.Pierpoint Morgan
27. I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
-- Mark Twain
28. Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
-- Mark Twain
29. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
-- E.B. White
*30. Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
--Oscar Wilde
31. The rule for staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number, or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. -- Jane Bryant Quinn
32. Life is a long lesson in humility.
-- James M. Barrie
33. If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'.
-- Dave Barry
34. The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.
-- David Brinkley
36. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
-- Groucho Marx
37. Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.
-- Henry Kissinger
38. Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
-- Laurence J. Peter
42. In capitalism man exploits man. In communism it's the other way around.
43. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
*44. This sentence does not in fact have the property that it claims it lacks.
45. There's no future in time travel.
46. I built an anti-gravity device and strapped it to my skis, but I forgot to install an 'off' switch so I had to pay for the chairlift rides down. -- Steven Wright
*48. You have just begun reading the sentence that you have just finished reading.
49. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin
50. Si hoc legere potes, gratias age tuo latino magistro. (If you can read this, thank your Latin teacher.)
51. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
52. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
58. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
*59. The average person thinks he isn't.
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
60. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
- A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
61. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
62. A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems shorter than a minute. But tell that same man to sit on a hot stove for a minute, it is longer than any hour. That's relativity.
-Albert Einstein
63. Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.
Simon Newcomb
1902, eighteen months before Kitty Hawk
*64. Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe,and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.
Arthur C. Clarke
65. A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianty emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning.
1996 Coca-Cola Company annual report
66. The question in life is not whether you get knocked down. You will. The question is, are you ready to get back up... and fight for what you believe in.
Dan Qualye
*67. It is difficult beyond description to conceive that space can have no end; but it is more difficult to conceive an end. It is difficult beyond the power of man to conceive an eternal duration of what we call time; but it is more impossible to conceive a time when there shall be no time.
Thomas Paine =
The Age of Reason (Part 1)
68. If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.
69. The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
Friedrich Hegel
70. As we acquire more knowldege, things do not become more comprehensible, but more mysterious.
Albert Schweitzer
71. Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. -
Oscar Wilde
72. You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. -
James Thurber
*73. Many highly intelligent people are poor thinkers. Many people of average intelligence are skilled thinkers. The power of a car is separate from the way the car is driven.
Edward De Bono
74. To be a fool at the right time is also an art.
75. Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a "fool" so that he may become wise.
The Apostle Paul
to the Corinthians (3:18)
76. If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.
- Tom Stoppard
77. The future influences the present just as much as the past. -
Friedrich Nietzsche
78. There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. -
J. C. Bridge
79. Never tell a young person that something cannot be done. God may have been waiting for centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossibility to do that thing. -
Dr. J. A. Holmes
80. There is this difference between happiness and wisdom: one who thinks himself the happiest man really is so, but one that thinks himself the wisest is generally the greatest fool. -
Charles Caleb Colton
*81. Don't drive as if you own the road; drive as if you own the car. -
Sam Ewing
82. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -
Bill Cosby
83. To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often. -
Winston Churchill
85. If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. -
Groucho Marx
86. We owe almost all our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed. -
Charles Caleb Colton
87. He who breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom. -
J. R. R. Tolkien -
The Lord of the Rings
89. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
*90. Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
91. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain
92. The first 90% of the task takes the first 90% of the alloted time, and the last 10% takes the other 90%.
93. Some people were class clowns. I was a Small Claims Court Jester. -- Steven Wright
94. By the time their numbers had dwindled from fifty to eight, the other dwarves had begun to suspect Hungry. -- Gary Larson
95. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
-- Yogi Berra
96. Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
-- Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench
97. We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
98. And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
-- Dan Rather
99. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-- James Thurber
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